small pen, big lie - kim rapoport

For a ballpoint pen I bought for around $10 at TJMaxx, it was a fancy pen – Millennial pink with gold accents dotted with tiny, pretty, cartoon geishas. The pen felt “mature” compared to my beloved Pilot G-2 black pens or my multi-colored Stadlaeder pens I buy for the aesthetic. Because this was a fancy pen, I didn’t want to use it for “everyday” use such as taking notes in class. I decided to make this my fancy pen I would use on film sets.

Around the time I bought my fancy pen, I decided to become a producer on Boise State’s latest film project, The Chinese Tourist. I heard stories of glory of past BSU students who took on producer roles for previous Film and Television Arts projects; one past producer even moved to Atlanta and found work on big film and television sets because of his smaller producing gig here in Boise. Atlanta! That’s up there with New York, L.A., Toronto, Montreal, or Chicago as one of the biggest film hubs in North America! I could go places with this producer gig! The grueling hours spend scouting locations to shoot at, handling behind-the-scenes logistics, and sacrificing nights and weekends for this film were going to be worth it.

A few days before principal photography on The Chinese Tourist started, I packed a tote bag from Victoria’s Secret and filled it with whatever I – or the cast and crew – needed on set, a list that included my laptop, Sharpies, a portable fan/mister because it was going to be hot during production, extra phone chargers, the script for the film, and my fancy pen. I used my fancy pen to sign off on catering orders, make notes on my copy of the script, and to help the actors and extras through various forms they needed to fill out. If only behind-the-scenes work on film could match the glamor of my fancy pen.

About a week into filming, the crew was filming the scenes set at the house the protagonist’s friend, Cherry, lives at. It was a cramped split-level off of Chinden that got so hot and claustrophobic inside that I spent almost all of my time at that house in the backyard. At one point, one of the assistant directors needed the producers to sign off on something. I whipped out my fancy pen, signed whatever document needed my John Hancock, and put my fancy pen back in my bag. Or so I thought. Maybe it ended up in the bag of Sharpies I brought, a colored assortment in a rumpled Ziploc labeled “Crew Sharpies”; to this day, I still have the Crew Sharpies bag, sitting in my closet and waiting for the next film production.

I didn’t realize my fancy pen was gone until after filming wrapped. Once I realized my fancy pen was gone, I dumped the Crew Sharpies and searched through the pile. Among the Sharpies in various sizes and colors, there was no fancy pen. Thinking it could have made it into my bag, I searched my bag. Still no dice. I went back to the Crew Sharpies and searched again, hoping I missed something. Out of defeat, I bought a 3-pack of ballpoint pens from Target and came to terms with the fact my fancy pen was gone. The Target pens were just as pretty and fancy, but the pens didn’t work as well as the fancy pen; the ink kept running dry, forcing me to draw horizonal scribbles in the margin of the page until ink flowed out again.

While I was working on The Chinese Tourist, the 2021 Stanley Cup Playoffs started up. I legitimately thought this would be the year my Vegas Golden Knights won the Stanley Cup, the naïve, hapless koan every sports fan says every year. Round one against the Minnesota Wild was a seven-game slugfest. My favorite moment was when Mark Stone, our fearless captain, scored an epic short-handed goal in game three; I watched that moment on my laptop on the set of The Chinese Tourist as I slowly and methodically ate a burrito from Qdoba and texted my mom – who was watching the game at home – my excitement. Round two against the Colorado Avalanche started off crappy because we lost the first two games and Colorado got away with a very dirty hit on one of my favorite players, Mattias Janmark, but we overcame a 2-0 series deficit in the series to win game 6.

After round 2, the 2021 playoffs stopped being fun. Due to COVID-related travel restrictions, all seven Canadian teams were in their own division for the season, which guaranteed a spot for one Canadian team in the semi-finals. Personally, I think that this was a little rigged; a Canadian team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup since 1993, ergo, was this the NHL using the pandemic as an excuse to get a Canadian team a Stanley Cup? My Golden Knights were going to be the un-consenting test dummies for this conspiracy. They drew the Montreal Canadiens in the semi-finals. The Canadiens weren’t expected to be in the playoffs due to a weak regular season, and they weren’t expected to go this far in the playoffs. Adding to this conspiracy theory, the Canadiens were the last Canadian team to win the Cup back in 1993. I still had faith in my Golden Knights to bring home the Cup.

Game one against the Canadiens was a win. I was relieved that we started the series strong, but something troubling came up after the game – Montreal’s head coach, Dominique Ducharme, tested positive for COVID-19, and he would be out for the rest of the series; his assistant coach, Luke Richardson, filled in for Ducharme.

“How convenient that their coach got COVID after game one. Watch – Montreal will rally behind their coach and pull out a win,” I told my mom after game one. Game two was a loss and the series went to Montreal for game three. Everything about game three was going great until the last two minutes of the game where Marc-Andre Fleury, Vegas’ beloved goalie since their inception in 2017, selfishly left the net to play the puck. This allowed Montreal to tie the game up and win it in overtime. Just like that, I lost my respect for one of my favorite players. Yes, it was petty in the grand scheme of things, but looking at the bigger picture, Fleury was starting to cause friction between himself and the rest of the team over his status as a starting goaltender. Fleury’s beef with the team and how I fully lost my respect for him is another story for another day because his fall from grace was a year in the making.

While Vegas redeemed themselves and tied the series up in game three, Canadiens players and coaches started to talk about how the referees weren’t calling any penalties on Vegas, including one hit during game two on Canadiens defenseman Jeff Petry that broke his finger; Petry subsequently burst the veins in his eyes while trying to put his finger back in place. I started getting very suspicious; it seemed like Montreal was about to lie, cheat, and steal their way to a Stanley Cup, and the referees would be proud to join the cause if Montreal – one of the oldest teams in the league and the team with the most Stanley Cups to their name – complained enough.

And I was right. We lost game five in overtime at the hands of Canadiens forward Artturi Lehkonen; I still speak poorly of Artturi Lehkonen to this day. I was right about everything – the suspicious timing of Dominique Ducharme’s COVID test, the pandemic-related divisional realignment that would guarantee a Canadian team made it to the semi-finals, everything about the refs. It was fishy and corrupt. Of course, nobody did anything to investigate. Instead, hockey fans watched a group of Canadiens fans celebrate their Mickey Mouse win with some rioting. The victory riots were so bad and egregious that they ended up on KTVB; our little NBC station in Boise broadcasted footage of the riots, which included belligerent fans flipping over cars and lighting fires. They also broadcasted a picture of a smarmy-looking kid in thick glasses standing next to a flipped-over car in downtown Montreal. Fortunately, Montreal lost the Stanley Cup Finals to the Tampa Bay Lightning, winning back-to-back championships. Chants of “USA, USA!” jubilantly echoed through Amalie Arena (the Lightning’s arena) and I joined in from my bedroom.

Loss isn’t limited to “big” things such as death or grief. It’s watching your favorite sports team lose even though they tried to fight against obstacles and league-related power plays. It’s losing a marker of status and power, even if I paid only $10 for it. Everyone experiences at least one minor loss a week – Loss of appetite due to illness. Loss of free time due to extra work or school. Your favorite sports team loses a game. In contrast, everyone “finds” something to counterbalance the loss – You find your appetite after you recover. You find out that you’re getting a raise or a day off. Your sports team finds a way to win a major championship. While I never found a “good” replacement for my fancy pen, my Golden Knights found a way to win the Stanley Cup two years after they were the victims of a classic Montreal Screwjob.

In a sadly ironic twist, Dominique Ducharme is now an assistant coach for the Vegas Golden Knights. I make him the scapegoat for the team, blaming him for losses, injuries to players, and whatever bad luck happens to the team. I will be happy the day I see the byline “Vegas Golden Knights assistant coach Dominique Ducharme has been relieved of his duties”.

Artturi Lehkonen still sucks even though he now plays for the Colorado Avalanche.

Kim Rapoport thinks the Montreal Canadiens cheated in the 2020-2021 Stanley Cup playoffs and that The Sunscreen Song is a rip-off of "A Hero’s Death" by Fontaines D.C. To read more of her hot takes, catch her in MicroLit Almanac, Behemoth Biennial, The Anti-Misogyny Club, and Juice Press